stalling on getting to the hospital for my x-ray, I really hate walk-in appts! But I've done it before and it wasn't too bad. (I think I had to do this for my shoulder MRI, oddly enough.) I think there is a starbucks inside so I can maybe get a cold brew with cold foam as a little treat when I am done.

Just need to box up an order and drop it off, get packed up for the sunflower farm trip, get gas, x-ray, and then head to Sauvie's.

I am bringing my book/notes/letters as during Halloween they have a really nice outdoor seating area with drinks and snacks and I'm hoping I can hang out and read/write for a bit.

Been studying a house buying book Josh suggested, I'm on sidings and it's a lot. It's really tempting to skip over things like brick and stucco since I doubt I'll buy a house with that sort of siding, but I enjoy completeness when reading physical books. I am getting through it and taking lots of notes!

I still want that Decomposition Notebook with the bats on it really bad. I should buy one for myself, I just haven't yet. I saw them at New Seasons recently but not the bat pattern.

I want to start writing more physical notes and letters since I have become more isolated socially since being in so much physical pain (and resulting deep depression) and the people I love seem to dislike online connection for the most part (grateful to those who are here!), in my ideal world I'd have a messaging group check-in regularly and a weekly zoom with my buddies, but I think because so many people "work from home" they all hate zoom now. My work is the opposite but I don't know anyone else who does service work, except Liz - who was an adventure buddy and figure skating buddy. :( I would love to find a way to reconnect with her but she's also rarely online.

ugh, breaks my heart. Maybe I can send her notes. I need black paper/cards and silver/gold/white paint pens.

Anyway.

The cutest thing happened. I was listening to Sidewalks and Skeletons last night during my sunset walk around the courtyard, and thinking about other current goth/darkwave music, and my new little self-care app that Ta suggested to me suggested that I send her a song recommendation. I was browsing around and it was so funny how this happened, but, last week at the club my DJ played a really good song that I've heard before there several times but didn't know the artist (or forgot), or the name of it. I wanted to know because I loved it but I also was too caught up in the moment to stop dancing, the energy that night was definitely right at its peak when he played it, so I wasn't about to walk over to him and ask what it was. I knew I would hear it again. But it's been bugging me since. So while I was looking for a song for Ta, I was browsing around artists similar to Sidewalks and Skeletons and Crystal Castles came up - and I thought, hey, I bet that's who does that song.

And they are!

So I sent her that song, and I've listened to it probably 15 times since I found it as I was falling asleep last night :) Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.It's not a new song, I don't know how I forgot who did it. Maybe because I have early onset dementia I dunno (I really feel like I have this, sometimes).

one day I will try to write a new little intro page thingie. but I don't want to do it when I'm depressed and I'm usually depressed, whoops.

Slept through most of the night pain free, and actually had a pleasant dream for once (I get nightmares chronically most nights, it's a common issue with cPTSD/childhood trauma). But I was slow to get out of bed and the back pain crept back in.

A friend suggested a little self-care app called finch to me (lmk if you want an invite, can send it via email or DM or whatever), I failed to use her invite because I didn't understand how but I did friend her when I got there, at least.

It seemed like the app helped me a lot, today. I got through a bunch of stuff I've been struggling with for weeks. I made an appt for my orthotics for my injured right foot, I messaged my doctor at Rebound (disappointing reply but at least I tried), figured out how to get my x-ray done for my ankle (I might go first thing in the morning and then reward myself with a visit to the sunflower festival at Bella Organic Farm on Sauvie's Island), and asked to reschedule an appointment I am not ready for. I asked our realtor to schedule in Josh for a showing this weekend and asked our broker to draft some payment estimates for the house, in case we decide to put in an offer. I have gotten my heart set on another house that I'm hoping will be right for us. Its downsides are workable and it seems like a good little house overall, but there's no way to know for sure until we do an inspection, so. I'll at least look forward to walking through it again with Josh this weekend.

Got some errands done, attended to some work messages I'd been neglecting for a bit, took my supplements, played with Avalanche a lot, did some reading/studying, did some laundry, keeping up on dishes despite Josh not being here (usually I let it go as soon as he leaves), even did my PT this morning.

functioning fairly well but I still feel just absolutely miserable. It is so frustrating. I am working on avoiding the news altogether, especially NPR, which has become just constant violence. I am working on listening to soundscapes and music and not doomscrolling so much, it is helping a bit, it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.

Just still really reeling from trying to figure out who I am and how to move forward with this really painful body. it feels like dying and I am fixated on death, which happens when I get really depressed. So I know that even though I am getting through some tasks, even ones that can be really difficult for me (medical stuff), I am not well.

It feels like I will never be well.

It's just really hard to figure out how to move forward.

I want to be outside more but it's 90 degrees with poor air quality, alas. Tomorrow will be slightly cooler and a little bit of light rain, I am looking forward to that. x-ray and sunflowers, maybe? I've only been to Bella Organic farm in the fall for the haunted corn maze, it would be nice to see it in summer.

It's nice to have Tues/Wed as my weekend :)

Josh is out of town so I'm a little lonely and eating too much peanut butter (forbidden when he is home) and also relieved that I don't have to pretend to be okay for anyone. I am isolating a bit, I just am so tired of not being seen and listening to what everyone else is going through and not being able to share where I am at because it is too sad.

The friend who sent me the finch invite has been through a lot of death and loss like I have, not quite as much as she still lives with her parents, but her beloved little brother committed suicide a few years ago :(

time for sunset walkies. just had a tearful phone call with josh. he's in New Jersey for work and feeling lonely. we're okay, it's just kinda sad for us right now. walkies will help me not wallow in it too too much.

A blessed Sunday to myself. Josh flies home from his weekend with Emily tonight. I'll go get him at the airport, and then take him back in the morning for four days in New Jersey for work - poor guy, too much flying.

It's another 95 degree day so I'll close up the apartment and turn on the a/c for Avalanche before I head out to the farmers market. I haven't decided if I'm biking or driving, yet. I'm a bit worn out from all the hiking yesterday. But maybe I can just take it easy on the bike? We'll see how I feel once I'm dressed.

The crows are chattering sweetly. It's slightly overcast and cooler than yesterday, at least so far.

Tyler and I ran off to the coast yesterday to escape the 100 degree day. It was lovely, but unfortunately traffic was a total nightmare. This is why I never go to the coast on weekends in the summer. But this was the only day Tyler could go so I decided to tough it out. It took about three hours to get there and almost 4 hours driving to get home, it was sooooooo bad. (Usually a coastal drive is less than 2hrs each way, but, I always go on Tues/Wednesdays.) But I still would have rather been with him than alone, the trail itself was empty, the mountain was beautiful, and we were treated to the most delightful beach sunset, which was legitimately chilly! So nice after a hot day of hiking. I didn't want to brave a busy restaurant so we popped into a local grocery store and grabbed some snacks before heading out, I am grateful for this. I brought us food also, but I didn't really bring enough to feed Tyler, whose metabolism is 4x as fast as mine, so extra snacks were needed. We found so many cool mushrooms! Quite the score for summer!

It does always make me a little sad that my presence in a beautiful area requires disrupting the space that elk and deer and other forest life used to be able to call their home in peace. I will never not think about this. Even the bugs that get accidentally squished upset me, I can't help it. These kinds of things are why I hate to travel, I try not to drive very much (I put about 5,000 miles a year on my car), I don't like to fly, I feel like I just cause damage and wreckage by existing. I saw this funny video about Europeans protesting the flood of American tourists and it just made me laugh a little. This is why I don't go! But it's also the case, as always, that my sacrifices make so little difference and entitled rich people will just keep traveling and flying everywhere with no concern for the damage it causes. There was this retired couple being interviewed about getting shot with super soakers by Madrid locals, and they were chuckling and saying it was refreshing in the heat and "very exciting actually," which just, uuuuuuugh. These countries depend on tourism, but it's gotten out of control. It reminds me of the car bloat that has happened in this country - nobody thinks about the social and environmental damage of driving a huge car, everyone gets bigger and bigger SUVs and trucks and act like it's just normal. And here I am in my little Fit, desperately trying to see around all these monstrosities on the road all around me while trying to stay safe, it's soooooooooooo awful and nobody talks about it or cares. Nobody needs giant cars! But it's easy and has become normalized and makes them feel safer and more powerful to tower up over everyone else. It's sickening and I hate it. Just needed to vent about that.

I am just... so mindful and thoughtful about my impact, in a world where people just rampantly cause destruction and pollution wherever they go without a second thought. It's why I have this pet peeve about disposable coffee cups. I have been bringing cups to cafes forEVER, I hate making trash unnecessarily. I do this in restaurants (which I rarely go to) whenever possible too, to avoid all that plastic waste. But even after decades, it just doesn't catch on. It's so easy and only takes a moment of thoughtfulness (oh, we're going to get tacos, I'll grab a pyrex just in case we take something home), but nobody else bothers, and they look at me like I'm crazy and grudgingly take my cup or bin as if I am so crazy hippie weirdo. Everyone should be doing this. But alas. It's just little me. I feel so alone in this. It is all set up this way, it is impossible not to make trash, I did it last night buying Josh's lasagna at that lil grocery store, as I hadn't anticipated the purchase and didn't have a bin. It sucks that this isn't just how we do things. Nobody is perfect and I'm not trying to personally blame or guilt anyone, I just wish the culture was different so that this was not such a painful uphill lonely battle. But. I will not stop. Every once in a while I do get a sweet compliment from a barista or something. "It's that sweet environmentally friendly fairy lady!" lol.

My cups have become fashion statements too, due to the art stickers I've added to them. Spooky bunny and mushroom skull and baby Zero and shooting star flowers all get noticed. It's nice. Even for the iced drinks, baristas will exclaim, "I love mason jars!" :)

....

Today I want to visit the farmers market, grab some other groceries and n/a beer, read the house hunting book, and write some cards to my friends with cancer/terminal illnesses.

The floors are swept and I'm caught up on orders. There are ants again but I'm working on it. Website maintenance would be nice but I also want to research possible puppets for the festival this year. I could get started on my moth, or look into a possible light up night puppet with moveable wings and paws (I don't know what this animal would be yet - maybe a made up one - a ghost dragon? I dunno).

...

Been craving so many treats: a buttery pastry, a glazed doughnut, a dipped cone from DQ, a vegan fast food burger (maybe the fake chicken or fish sandwich, with sweet potato fries?), olive/rosemary focaccia. Maybe I can find something indulgent at the market, today. But first, more coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

...

Wrist feels much better, glad I took a break from silks. I avoided using trekking poles yesterday for Neahkanie mountain, which is a 1400' elevation gain hike with lots of roots and logs and erosion and rocks, but it went fine. I might have to do this a lot more going forward, since my hands hurt so often, these days.

Okay an hour left to get to market, time to cool down the apartment, Avalanche is crashed out asleep, time to get going.

Woke up from my nap with a throbbing wrist out of nowhere. All I managed to do was feed Avalanche and message Tyler about hiking tomorrow and go back to bed. It hurts so much, I don’t know why. I don’t remember anything happening.

I wasn’t able to give avalanche any playtime today - I had less than 4 hrs of sleep, then counseling and taking Josh to the airport, then work. I had to close up the apartment against the heat so she didn’t have her usual open windows to watch birds and squirrels. I crashed when I got home. Despite not playing with her at all today, she’s curled up between my legs. She loves me anyway. So grateful.