![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I figured out who I was talking about in this post last night, who was the other one I had grieved for. Let me press rewind on the tape here:
---------------
*lying in bed at about 3:45 AM, pondering* (ain't that always when things come to you?)
*goes over lists of characters from books and movies, briefly mind-touching on each one, as if looking for something*
"Can't be anyone from Red Dwarf. *touch* Rimmer being dead is milked for a lot of jokes, and it's not like he's not there anyway. LotR? *touch* *touch* That's impossible. Too mythic and remote. ElfQuest? *touch* What? No. Hitchhiker's? Did anyone really die in that? *touch* Can't be Marvin (although that was a bit of a sniffler)."
*puzzled*
*a strange idea occurs, almost laughable*
"I can't have been thinking of a real person, can I?"
*name comes totally blindside, without reaching out for it; eyes snap open and gut clenches*
HOLYCRAPIWASTHINKINGOFDOUGLASADAMS.
-----------
I knew when I thought of the right name that I would get that feeling, and know the correctness; that reaction was what I was looking for in tapping everyone on the metaphorical shoulder. I thought I had made a post on LJ about it at the time, but as that was in 2001 (I didn't start this journal til 2002), I must have been thinking of an email or something (or maybe I mentioned it again in a later year -- I dunno, I might try to go looking for it).
I can only suppose that the common thread, and the reason I thought the other incident must also have been a fictional character, was that I never knew either one of them, and I do recall it taking me a bit of time to figure it out about Adams as well (I have never grieved for the deaths of anyone I actually knew, you see). I remember being shocked, feeling a cold vacancy in the field of my consciousness. This one is more fiery, at least for now.
I feel a bit funny about this under the light of day. Does it somehow cheapen or belittle the emotion real people feel for real people they were actually close to, friends or relatives? Do I have any right?
Must keep telling self: Must not feel ashamed just for having feelings, even if they may be a bit off-center. Must not fear ridicule.
---------------
*lying in bed at about 3:45 AM, pondering* (ain't that always when things come to you?)
*goes over lists of characters from books and movies, briefly mind-touching on each one, as if looking for something*
"Can't be anyone from Red Dwarf. *touch* Rimmer being dead is milked for a lot of jokes, and it's not like he's not there anyway. LotR? *touch* *touch* That's impossible. Too mythic and remote. ElfQuest? *touch* What? No. Hitchhiker's? Did anyone really die in that? *touch* Can't be Marvin (although that was a bit of a sniffler)."
*puzzled*
*a strange idea occurs, almost laughable*
"I can't have been thinking of a real person, can I?"
*name comes totally blindside, without reaching out for it; eyes snap open and gut clenches*
HOLYCRAPIWASTHINKINGOFDOUGLASADAMS.
-----------
I knew when I thought of the right name that I would get that feeling, and know the correctness; that reaction was what I was looking for in tapping everyone on the metaphorical shoulder. I thought I had made a post on LJ about it at the time, but as that was in 2001 (I didn't start this journal til 2002), I must have been thinking of an email or something (or maybe I mentioned it again in a later year -- I dunno, I might try to go looking for it).
I can only suppose that the common thread, and the reason I thought the other incident must also have been a fictional character, was that I never knew either one of them, and I do recall it taking me a bit of time to figure it out about Adams as well (I have never grieved for the deaths of anyone I actually knew, you see). I remember being shocked, feeling a cold vacancy in the field of my consciousness. This one is more fiery, at least for now.
I feel a bit funny about this under the light of day. Does it somehow cheapen or belittle the emotion real people feel for real people they were actually close to, friends or relatives? Do I have any right?
Must keep telling self: Must not feel ashamed just for having feelings, even if they may be a bit off-center. Must not fear ridicule.
