villainy hive 24

My therapist is so sweet. He admitted he didn’t realize how bad it’s been, he doesn’t always see it because I’m usually so happy to see him.

He did mention that the lack of afternoon coffee will mess up my mood a lot since I’m not medicated. Yes it will reduce anxiety a little, but the depression will worsen.

So here I am, chugging my old standby 1:30pm almond milk latte.

I’m desperate.

Another sweet thing, when I was explaining my anger at the shallow nature of self help material purporting to help “find your purpose” and the lack of fulfillment I feel, “you know what really helps with that? Group therapy.”

We’re starting a group next month. He’s done tons of groups over the years but this will be his first private practice group. I’m excited about it. He said when he first considered starting a group, I was the first person he thought of. :)

Back to werk

Yesterday was really rough. Hoping for a better day, today.

So tired of feeling unwell and so stressed. Frustrated with the empty placations of all the self-help I turn to.

Really glad I have therapy tomorrow.



I can only tell which eagle is Jackie because she's a) on the nest most often and b) her face is always kinda grubby looking. She's always been this way. The theory is that she likes to rub branches that have tree sap and then dirt sticks to her feathers. It's just kinda funny, that lil grubby head.

She is keeping me steady and on my path, this morning.

My room is destroyed and I can't motivate to put my closet back together, so I slept on half the bed last night with the other half piled 3 feet high with all my clothes. It feels like sleeping on a hoarder bed or something. Not good.

It's a gorgeous day today and work is kinda short, blessedly. Hoping to dance tonight. Manders and Finley won't be there, it's fusion fest and there are other reasons. I can settle back into myself when they're not around. It'll be good. Helpful.

Josh and I played on silks this morning in the livingroom. We still kind of can't believe they're finally here. "Thanks for doing that," Josh said this morning. Oh, right, I tracked down the contractor that I knew could do it. He did a brilliant job. The rigging has tape around it which makes it look like the rigging is taped to the ceiling, lol. But he just wanted to do a very thorough job protecting the drywall, so the tape is holding a barrier between the rigging and the drywall. The rigging sits directly on the beam, wrapped around it, as it should. My master point is rated crazy high, they're designed to hold up bridges. (!) The span set is purple and also rated higher than most climbing equipment. It's so perfect, I am so happy.

I wish I could feel like we are going to be okay in this house, but right now, I don't. I still feel financial ruin and foreclosure and bankruptcy, pretty much constantly, because that is what happened to my mom before she got sick and then died. It was extremely traumatic for me and what was left of my family. It's not something I can just talk myself out of. But it ruins my everyday existence and it needs to stop. Meditation does not help. Telling myself it will be okay does not help. I will work on it in counseling tomorrow.