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busyhead highthing
(spot the ref in the subject line.)
There's a lot of things in my head right now that I think I might want to post about, but one of the things happens to be "Do I actually want to post about [insert topic]? Does anyone really want/need to read about that? Would it enrich anyone's day in any way?" And then a backlash of "Why should it matter?" kinds of things. I think that I conceive of this journal not as a journal in the usual sense, which would be a place I record my thoughts and experiences and which is not specifically for the purpose of being read by others (although in this environment, it would be), but rather as a kind of gallery-slash-communication tool. In other words, I am on a stage, trying to deliver to an audience. Therefore I am afraid of posting anything which y'all might find uninteresting, because if I do enough of that you'll get up and walk out. In a number of cases this would mean losing the only method of communication, which feeds into my "afraid of being left out" complex - if I don't get to hear about things, I don't get to join in (not limited to physical gatherings). There is also the added dimension of being perceived as having a boring livejournal extending into my being thought of as boring in general, by whatever random person it is I'm hoping to keep impressed. I feel like there's some nebulous standard of "entertainingness" that I have to keep up with.
Related to "afraid of being left out" is "afraid of missing something important". I read a lot and subscribe to a lot of mailing lists because I'm afraid I'll get behind, or miss that one thing that will make it all come together for me. But it never really works out because everyone else is way ahead of me in practice, and I spend so much time trying to take in more and more information that I can never have time for practice, yet if I took time for it, I would get behind in the information. What if everyone else hears about or does something and I don't get to? There's just never any possible way I can catch up to everyone else and so I am paralyzed and ineffectual.
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Correction on not hating things: I hate people who are just so fucking superior.
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Bizarre dream last night involving a woman in an elevator who was leaning against the wall, flowing skirt hiked up so she could adjust her stockings or something, and the particularly perfect shape of her hips, and then a later part involving 6 GHz CPU chips.
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How does you get to realize on a gut level that just because someone mighty and important that you actually do respect, even if you find their manner impossible, says something that blows what you are, think, or believe out of the water, that that doesn't mean you are in fact wrong about anything, but just that maybe the two of you are manifesting incompatible currents?
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I'm really annoyed at being unsubscribed from a list for supposedly posting copyrighted material as my own. I didn't, of course; someone asked me how I performed a certain ritual, and I answered, including text of spoken words which (of course) were copied verbatim, for correctness. I didn't attribute it because I thought the nature of the question was personal. At no point did I state the material was my own; that was misinterpretation on the part of one other listmember, who asked what the source of it was. I misunderstood the question, and thought she was asking where the rite in general came from, not the specific version I had quoted. She therefore reported me to the moderator who summarily unsubscribed me without even asking for my side of the story, and then posted some high and mighty thing to the list (the last post I received) about "not enjoying this part of my job" and "hoping to keep the list quality high". I did write to her and explain the circumstances as I saw them, and that I would be happy to specifically cite the source if that was the focus of the misunderstanding, but she and I have locked horns in the past (she's another of the "superior" types) and so I wouldn't be surprised if I simply got a "fuck you, unworthy one" from her (not in so many words).
This of course feeds back in to the "left out/missing something important" thing above. This list discusses a rather small, secret, yet potent (IMO) magical tradition whose texts are VERY hard to come by. I like to keep a finger in the pie lest I miss some vital clue that would enrich my own religious/magical life, even though there is something non-resonant between myself, and as much feel as I have for the practices themselves. (I do have the "base" text embodying the tradition, so this is not just a cursory evaluation, although as you might gather based on the rest of this post, it is not an opinion based in actual practice.)
I'm not really sure why it bothers me so much. I just feel like I'm being treated shabbily for something I did in innocence, and a more general sense of unfairness... the whole "sorry, you were born without something required" thing... like I don't even get any chance at anything (pick any random quality: being attractive, being magical, being creative...) because of the way I was born, and there's nothing to be done about it, but people reject me anyway because of it. How can you reject me for something I can't change??
There's a lot of things in my head right now that I think I might want to post about, but one of the things happens to be "Do I actually want to post about [insert topic]? Does anyone really want/need to read about that? Would it enrich anyone's day in any way?" And then a backlash of "Why should it matter?" kinds of things. I think that I conceive of this journal not as a journal in the usual sense, which would be a place I record my thoughts and experiences and which is not specifically for the purpose of being read by others (although in this environment, it would be), but rather as a kind of gallery-slash-communication tool. In other words, I am on a stage, trying to deliver to an audience. Therefore I am afraid of posting anything which y'all might find uninteresting, because if I do enough of that you'll get up and walk out. In a number of cases this would mean losing the only method of communication, which feeds into my "afraid of being left out" complex - if I don't get to hear about things, I don't get to join in (not limited to physical gatherings). There is also the added dimension of being perceived as having a boring livejournal extending into my being thought of as boring in general, by whatever random person it is I'm hoping to keep impressed. I feel like there's some nebulous standard of "entertainingness" that I have to keep up with.
Related to "afraid of being left out" is "afraid of missing something important". I read a lot and subscribe to a lot of mailing lists because I'm afraid I'll get behind, or miss that one thing that will make it all come together for me. But it never really works out because everyone else is way ahead of me in practice, and I spend so much time trying to take in more and more information that I can never have time for practice, yet if I took time for it, I would get behind in the information. What if everyone else hears about or does something and I don't get to? There's just never any possible way I can catch up to everyone else and so I am paralyzed and ineffectual.
----------
Correction on not hating things: I hate people who are just so fucking superior.
----------
Bizarre dream last night involving a woman in an elevator who was leaning against the wall, flowing skirt hiked up so she could adjust her stockings or something, and the particularly perfect shape of her hips, and then a later part involving 6 GHz CPU chips.
----------
How does you get to realize on a gut level that just because someone mighty and important that you actually do respect, even if you find their manner impossible, says something that blows what you are, think, or believe out of the water, that that doesn't mean you are in fact wrong about anything, but just that maybe the two of you are manifesting incompatible currents?
----------
I'm really annoyed at being unsubscribed from a list for supposedly posting copyrighted material as my own. I didn't, of course; someone asked me how I performed a certain ritual, and I answered, including text of spoken words which (of course) were copied verbatim, for correctness. I didn't attribute it because I thought the nature of the question was personal. At no point did I state the material was my own; that was misinterpretation on the part of one other listmember, who asked what the source of it was. I misunderstood the question, and thought she was asking where the rite in general came from, not the specific version I had quoted. She therefore reported me to the moderator who summarily unsubscribed me without even asking for my side of the story, and then posted some high and mighty thing to the list (the last post I received) about "not enjoying this part of my job" and "hoping to keep the list quality high". I did write to her and explain the circumstances as I saw them, and that I would be happy to specifically cite the source if that was the focus of the misunderstanding, but she and I have locked horns in the past (she's another of the "superior" types) and so I wouldn't be surprised if I simply got a "fuck you, unworthy one" from her (not in so many words).
This of course feeds back in to the "left out/missing something important" thing above. This list discusses a rather small, secret, yet potent (IMO) magical tradition whose texts are VERY hard to come by. I like to keep a finger in the pie lest I miss some vital clue that would enrich my own religious/magical life, even though there is something non-resonant between myself, and as much feel as I have for the practices themselves. (I do have the "base" text embodying the tradition, so this is not just a cursory evaluation, although as you might gather based on the rest of this post, it is not an opinion based in actual practice.)
I'm not really sure why it bothers me so much. I just feel like I'm being treated shabbily for something I did in innocence, and a more general sense of unfairness... the whole "sorry, you were born without something required" thing... like I don't even get any chance at anything (pick any random quality: being attractive, being magical, being creative...) because of the way I was born, and there's nothing to be done about it, but people reject me anyway because of it. How can you reject me for something I can't change??
no subject
As for the serious part of your post, I think you were treated shabbily. If the list-mod can't be bothered to get both sides of the story before acting, then perhaps she's not worth *your* time.
We're all rejected for things about ourselves that we can't change. That's one of the sucky parts about being here. It could be your race, creed, religion, part of town where you were born, or some other thing... I was that way for a lot of my life.
Somewhere along the way I tried to be what others wanted/needed, and had some success with that.
Later, I found what I needed, and worked on that, and afterwards found that I was sometimes respected and valued for it - although not always by those whom I wanted to impress ;/
I'm happier being me, though.
That's what I would suggest: finding what you feel best doing and being, and filling your life with as much of that as will fit (assuming basic obligations and needs are met, and you're not spending your life tripped out or wasted, etc.).
no subject
Even infojunkies, e-philes and well networked hub people miss stuff. But the thought to play with is... what are you doing with all this info? While you're busy trying to learn learn learn, how 'bout your life? There's living to be done! *grin*
I agree with the above... the list mod acted prematurely and incorrectly [in my opinion]. There are always other sources of information.
While the birth process apparently gives us a grab bag of traits and skills, it's obvious that those who matter find you attractive and interesting, that you have some creativity and talents... methinks you're just one o' them thar perfectionists *grin*
The only standards you need worry 'bout are your own.