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(Is that a word?)
Anyway. Just being in the bathroom, I had a random impulse to take a shower or bath. Not because I'm particularly dirty, but because I enjoy bathing (scented soaps, oils, etc). But I can't, because the running water would wake up the other 2 1/2 (two humans plus a dog) denizens of the house, being as it's 12:30 in the morning.
This somehow embodies the main problem of my life right now . I can't do what I want, when I want - referring to relatively simple things like cooking food, taking a shower, playing music, etc. I have to tiptoe around other people. This makes me feel trapped, feel watched. I'm 25 and can certainly go where I want, when I want, but my parents still want to know when (vaguely) to expect me back, so they know when is ok and when to consider filing a missing persons report. I totally understand this because I have the same sorts of feelings about![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
enotsola, but the fact is, I still have to account of my whereabouts to someone else, rather than them being ignorant and as a result, me being totally free.
By extension, I can't do ritual, or whatever else I feel like doing - not because they have a particular power over me, but because I would disturb them by doing so, and because I don't want to have to explain myself. My mother is vaguely aware of my pagan inclinations, although she doesn't really get it, even though she knows some SCA pagans; it's my dad I really don't want to explain things to. It's odd; in some ways we're closer or more compatible than my mother and I, and in other ways, I feel much less weird revealing things to my mom than I would to my dad.
Unfortunately, living on my own in the Bay area is hardly an option. I do probably make enough to survive, but I refuse to just do that. I want to have more than survival. I want excess; to be able to save money. This isn't merely vain, but an eye towards the future. When I finally move to Kitchener (Ontario), I don't expect to find work instantly, thus, I anticipate having to live from my savings... consequently, I want to have as much as possible. Of course, being me, and feeling that I never have enough support, too much isn't enough. I have nearly a year's pay saved in the bank, but I still feel like it's paltry. I think I feel like I have to match my father, who has something like... erm... a lot saved.
But anyway, the point is... I want to have enough so that if there were no work, and no one supporting me, I could still pay rent and utilities and eat well for a number of months. And I think I have the means to do that, but I never feel convinced of it. I wonder if my random acts of generosity, where (on the spur of the moment) I give a few dollars up to hundreds of dollars towards other people's needs, just because it seems that I have it and they don't therefore it makes sense for me to give it, are subconsciously some kind of "deposit"... i.e.... I'm hoping to get such back?
Somehow I don't have faith in that. Partly because of cynicism, and partly because it seems like everyone I know has money problems! Maybe they're "supposed" to give me gifts in return? I like the idea of a gift economy, but I don't think it works in practice... depends too much on others to have goodwill.
Anyway. Just being in the bathroom, I had a random impulse to take a shower or bath. Not because I'm particularly dirty, but because I enjoy bathing (scented soaps, oils, etc). But I can't, because the running water would wake up the other 2 1/2 (two humans plus a dog) denizens of the house, being as it's 12:30 in the morning.
This somehow embodies the main problem of my life right now . I can't do what I want, when I want - referring to relatively simple things like cooking food, taking a shower, playing music, etc. I have to tiptoe around other people. This makes me feel trapped, feel watched. I'm 25 and can certainly go where I want, when I want, but my parents still want to know when (vaguely) to expect me back, so they know when is ok and when to consider filing a missing persons report. I totally understand this because I have the same sorts of feelings about
enotsola, but the fact is, I still have to account of my whereabouts to someone else, rather than them being ignorant and as a result, me being totally free.By extension, I can't do ritual, or whatever else I feel like doing - not because they have a particular power over me, but because I would disturb them by doing so, and because I don't want to have to explain myself. My mother is vaguely aware of my pagan inclinations, although she doesn't really get it, even though she knows some SCA pagans; it's my dad I really don't want to explain things to. It's odd; in some ways we're closer or more compatible than my mother and I, and in other ways, I feel much less weird revealing things to my mom than I would to my dad.
Unfortunately, living on my own in the Bay area is hardly an option. I do probably make enough to survive, but I refuse to just do that. I want to have more than survival. I want excess; to be able to save money. This isn't merely vain, but an eye towards the future. When I finally move to Kitchener (Ontario), I don't expect to find work instantly, thus, I anticipate having to live from my savings... consequently, I want to have as much as possible. Of course, being me, and feeling that I never have enough support, too much isn't enough. I have nearly a year's pay saved in the bank, but I still feel like it's paltry. I think I feel like I have to match my father, who has something like... erm... a lot saved.
But anyway, the point is... I want to have enough so that if there were no work, and no one supporting me, I could still pay rent and utilities and eat well for a number of months. And I think I have the means to do that, but I never feel convinced of it. I wonder if my random acts of generosity, where (on the spur of the moment) I give a few dollars up to hundreds of dollars towards other people's needs, just because it seems that I have it and they don't therefore it makes sense for me to give it, are subconsciously some kind of "deposit"... i.e.... I'm hoping to get such back?
Somehow I don't have faith in that. Partly because of cynicism, and partly because it seems like everyone I know has money problems! Maybe they're "supposed" to give me gifts in return? I like the idea of a gift economy, but I don't think it works in practice... depends too much on others to have goodwill.
