epitomical, and rambling thoughts

[arethinn]

(Is that a word?)

Anyway. Just being in the bathroom, I had a random impulse to take a shower or bath. Not because I'm particularly dirty, but because I enjoy bathing (scented soaps, oils, etc). But I can't, because the running water would wake up the other 2 1/2 (two humans plus a dog) denizens of the house, being as it's 12:30 in the morning.

This somehow embodies the main problem of my life right now . I can't do what I want, when I want - referring to relatively simple things like cooking food, taking a shower, playing music, etc. I have to tiptoe around other people. This makes me feel trapped, feel watched. I'm 25 and can certainly go where I want, when I want, but my parents still want to know when (vaguely) to expect me back, so they know when is ok and when to consider filing a missing persons report. I totally understand this because I have the same sorts of feelings about enotsola, but the fact is, I still have to account of my whereabouts to someone else, rather than them being ignorant and as a result, me being totally free.

By extension, I can't do ritual, or whatever else I feel like doing - not because they have a particular power over me, but because I would disturb them by doing so, and because I don't want to have to explain myself. My mother is vaguely aware of my pagan inclinations, although she doesn't really get it, even though she knows some SCA pagans; it's my dad I really don't want to explain things to. It's odd; in some ways we're closer or more compatible than my mother and I, and in other ways, I feel much less weird revealing things to my mom than I would to my dad.

Unfortunately, living on my own in the Bay area is hardly an option. I do probably make enough to survive, but I refuse to just do that. I want to have more than survival. I want excess; to be able to save money. This isn't merely vain, but an eye towards the future. When I finally move to Kitchener (Ontario), I don't expect to find work instantly, thus, I anticipate having to live from my savings... consequently, I want to have as much as possible. Of course, being me, and feeling that I never have enough support, too much isn't enough. I have nearly a year's pay saved in the bank, but I still feel like it's paltry. I think I feel like I have to match my father, who has something like... erm... a lot saved.

But anyway, the point is... I want to have enough so that if there were no work, and no one supporting me, I could still pay rent and utilities and eat well for a number of months. And I think I have the means to do that, but I never feel convinced of it. I wonder if my random acts of generosity, where (on the spur of the moment) I give a few dollars up to hundreds of dollars towards other people's needs, just because it seems that I have it and they don't therefore it makes sense for me to give it, are subconsciously some kind of "deposit"... i.e.... I'm hoping to get such back?

Somehow I don't have faith in that. Partly because of cynicism, and partly because it seems like everyone I know has money problems! Maybe they're "supposed" to give me gifts in return? I like the idea of a gift economy, but I don't think it works in practice... depends too much on others to have goodwill.

Comments

[dreamingvoid.livejournal.com]

There's a balance somewhere. Never expect anything back from the people to whom you give (especially since that's the nature of "giving" rather than "loaning"), but at the same time... strangely.. it does come back to you in other ways, places, and times. Or it seems to anyway. Don't count on it ever, but at times when you need it the most, sometimes there it is.

Despite the troubles of living with them, sounds like you've got the ideal situation as it is. Maybe it's a little inconvenient, but it sure as hell beats living paycheck to paycheck with it all being eaten by rent and utilities.

[twopiearr.livejournal.com]

gift economies suffer from the same problem as hunter-gatherer tribes -- they only work on a large scale. it has to be socially instituted and valued by an entire society. assuming you can do that, both anecdotal and objective evidence suggest that either model is vastly superior to capitalism.

but that's beside the point. ;)

patience is i think the watchword here. you said it yourself: you're moving to canada. It was two or three months ago that you were given your one year deadline. That means you're counting in weeks now. Saving is a good thing.

I don't know that it's possible to interact with others and maintain freedom from at least some degree of accountability.

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

Not exactly - according to the consulate's website, as of the first of October, there is a year and four months' delay between their acknowleding receipt of an application and their actually assessing it ("if your application was submitted after that date, please do not contact us, it is in a queue awaitng assessment"). Therefore I have to wait until next November at the absolute earliest, and their stated year in the letter would seem to be a form-letter sort of thing that doesn't reflect the actual state of things. I would be very, very surprised if I were in Canada before the spring of 2005.