(no subject)

[arethinn]

I am just not having a good weekend. The material in the Underworld workshop has been good, but aside from the annoyance of getting up in the morning, I sat there the whole afternoon feeling very out of place because with only a couple exceptions, I am easily 15-25 years the junior of everyone else in the room, and feeling like I shouldn't even be there because I was not having deep, interesting experiences and in fact was often failing to have the basic part, that of feeling I was actually within the Underworld. It's making me seriously question whether I want to spend another $180 to most likely repeat the experience in July. I thought going to actual workshops would be helpful, but when it's clear I'm far behind everyone else, it hardly makes it worth it, because I feel so bad. In fact I'm rather questioning my right to be in any such place, including gathers. I remember in one of the workshops at Pantheacon that Orion Foxwood was talking about having Sight, and how this is something one is either born with or is not, and it's either awake all one's life, or shows up in puberty. As I'm now 25 it seems highly unlikely I'm suddenly going to "bloom" someday, so lacking even the basic aptitude that would be necessary to work in magical tradition, it makes me wonder what the fuck I think I am doing? Similar with gathers.. obviously that is also something one is, or is not, and it seems like jazz ("if you have to ask, you'll never know")... something where "if you have to question whether you are, then you're not".

Comments

[rialian.livejournal.com]

===Have you examined the idea that "the sight" is many things other than vision?

===It shows up in a variety of ways, at various levels. My "sight" is less intense than my "simply knowing"....which is another way the sight comes to one.

===I do know that no amount of compliments or impressions are going to convince you that you are on the right track, or that you should be somewhere. Your inner critic is rather active, and even saying that is going to set it off. If you want my honest opinion, I think that part of it is that you have hinged part of your personal identity on what feedback you get for indulging the critic so much.

===I happen to believe that you have a lot to offer, that you are a fine person that has a lot to them.

===You are most welcome at Thresholds...even if you do not think you have the "spark"...you apparently have something that is able to completely fool everyone else around you.

===Sometimes people find their keys in questions...and they lock themselves up in things that they are terrified to unlock. I suspect that the lock in your case is bound up in the feedback loop of the critic and folks telling you what they actually do see.

===If you have the pull to do this, to the level you have it...then I woudl say that there is something on the other side yanking on you.(smiles)

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

Have you examined the idea that "the sight" is many things other than vision?

See comment to someone else that I am meaning something slightly different than "psychic perception" (which I agree is not solely, or even mostly, through the visual sense) when I use the term.

Your inner critic is rather active, and even saying that is going to set it off.

Unlikely, since it's never "dormant" to be "set off". lol. Seriously, I'm quite aware of that.

If you want my honest opinion, I think that part of it is that you have hinged part of your personal identity on what feedback you get for indulging the critic so much.

I dunno.. I never seem to get the feedback I "want" (it seems I know truthful types who won't mention something that isn't there), so how is this (mal)adaptive for my psyche? I mean, I know it's not healthy, but if it's not even getting results...? I figure there must be some other reason. No subconscious does something if it's not satisfied with what it's getting.

even if you do not think you have the "spark"...you apparently have something that is able to completely fool everyone else around you.

Well, it depends on your definition of "everyone" for one, and what "fooling" is for another. That others tolerate my presence is not adequate evidence for me that they see in me an equivalent to their own existence, and yet, this is something private and sensitive enough that I can't ask about it. The only evidence I get is that which comes spontaneously from those who would have no other way to know, and I can only think of about a single incident total (formed of two halves, which were not from the same person) which count for that.

[...] things that they are terrified to unlock. I suspect that the lock in your case is bound up in the feedback loop of the critic and folks telling you what they actually do see.

*cocks eyebrow* Huh?

then I woudl say that there is something on the other side yanking on you

This bit is actually VERY interesting in light of something that happened in the workshop today (today was rather less depressing than yesterday), but which I'm still processing. (I tried to write about it a couple times but only wound up[ doubling the length of this comment in weird ways, so I'll skip it for now.)