(no subject)

[arethinn]

I am just not having a good weekend. The material in the Underworld workshop has been good, but aside from the annoyance of getting up in the morning, I sat there the whole afternoon feeling very out of place because with only a couple exceptions, I am easily 15-25 years the junior of everyone else in the room, and feeling like I shouldn't even be there because I was not having deep, interesting experiences and in fact was often failing to have the basic part, that of feeling I was actually within the Underworld. It's making me seriously question whether I want to spend another $180 to most likely repeat the experience in July. I thought going to actual workshops would be helpful, but when it's clear I'm far behind everyone else, it hardly makes it worth it, because I feel so bad. In fact I'm rather questioning my right to be in any such place, including gathers. I remember in one of the workshops at Pantheacon that Orion Foxwood was talking about having Sight, and how this is something one is either born with or is not, and it's either awake all one's life, or shows up in puberty. As I'm now 25 it seems highly unlikely I'm suddenly going to "bloom" someday, so lacking even the basic aptitude that would be necessary to work in magical tradition, it makes me wonder what the fuck I think I am doing? Similar with gathers.. obviously that is also something one is, or is not, and it seems like jazz ("if you have to ask, you'll never know")... something where "if you have to question whether you are, then you're not".

Comments

[dreamfall.livejournal.com]

I'm regularly annoyed that some pagan communities shun anyone who doesn't dive into the uber-Mystic dreams-n-visions, trance-to-divination, intuitive inspirational style of magic & ritual.

Tangentially related, I've found that the degree of true "magicalness" a person possesses and radiates is inversely proportional to the number of times they've claimed to have been "psychically attacked" or engaged in "magical battles" or tussled with (and won, naturally) some incredible otherwordly strange beastie.

I used to fall into that nonsense trap with my ex (whom Tass would remember). He had the approximate magical Presence of a brick, and would constantly talk about all these things he was doing, defending against, experiencing, etc. along with occasionally poking at me along the lines that I was somehow lacking, weaker, beneath notice, etc since I wasn't experiencing massive magical/psychic attacks every other day. So naturally, I started going along with what he was saying.

Truth is, he wasn't experiencing them either. He was just a dreadfully insecure and pointless little drama queen trying to make himself look bigger and more powerful than he really was.

You have to watch for that, for people in pagan communities who insist that magic involves being smacked over the head with anything. It's very subtle and each of us perceives it in ways that are unique to us. Me, I do a very significant amount of my work in the dreamtime, and I do use trance for visionquest but that's because it works for me. I can't do jack for readings using physical media such as cards or runes, and my "Sight" as it were is almost entirely intuitive. I've never "seen" a lot of things many pagans claim are so commonplace as to be de rigeur for anyone with "talent" to see, but I've learned over the years to trust my own inner promptings.

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

I've found that the degree of true "magicalness" a person possesses and radiates is inversely proportional to the number of times they've claimed to have been "psychically attacked"

LOL. By that logic I should be God, or something equally magical, since anything over 0 equals infinity. ^_^

since I wasn't experiencing massive magical/psychic attacks every other day

Odd. Dysfunctional, really (coming from me, this is!). If I were to make such a statement (which I wouldn't) I would be more likely to base it on how many positive experiences one was having daily. I put far more value (if the same amount of skepticism) on "I was healing the planet with the Goddess!" than "I was being attacked by a mutant artichoke from Pluto". (mmm.. get the butter)

He was just a dreadfully insecure and pointless little drama queen trying to make himself look bigger and more powerful than he really was.

But see, I do this too... just in more subtle ways, usually having to do with trying to please people. I dunno, maybe all but the most developed of us do this, but somehow I feel like it's only people in a certain.. state.. or something.