note to self

[arethinn]

(I am saying the next two paragraphs not to try to create drama but to give context for my thought process and where I am going with this.)

Last weekend, someone unfriended me. Normally I don't take much notice of this sort of thing, but in this case I found out because I had bookmarked a post to reply to, and when I went back to do so, I got an error that I wasn't allowed to read the post. Still it might have been no more than "huh, odd; oh well" except for who it was, which was someone whom I'd known online for years, I'd always thought thought of me kindly, we traded comments now and again, seemed to share some interests (including some rather "niche" ones), and in fact I thought that some of my recent stuff was right up xir alley, so it was not only upsetting but very confusing.

Xe is not someone whom I think of as the type to pull things like "well, if so and so says this other person is a doodyhead, that's good enough for me!"; I couldn't see any way that it could have been something gradually building over time; I couldn't think of anything I'd said that could have been personally offensive, especially not to this "last-straw" degree; and for it to be coincidence seemed to strain plausibility given the past situation. Thus, I came to the (apparently inevitable) conclusion that it must have been what I had been lately posting: either xe was bored by it and decided to stop reading right then, or xe decided that anyone who would post that stuff was not someone xe wanted reading xir friends-locked posts, or both. In other words, it was exactly what I was afraid of happening: I posted what I thought was good and interesting, and it not only wasn't, but it drove one of my friends away.

My immediate reaction was to say "Fuck it. Lesson demonstrated again, then. I shouldn't say anything, because no matter if anyone else replies positively, if there is even a bit of a chance that this kind of thing can happen, I don't want to permit that. I don't want to take that chance. I would rather say nothing and have people passively drift away rather than drive them away." (It's true that I am being a bit oversensitive about this particular possibility, but it has genuinely happened in the past, so it's not completely unfounded.) Fortunately, aside from making past entries private again out of a sense of shame, this was mainly kept off the web this time. I made a depressed post, but deleted it minutes thereafter, deciding that was worse (as it kind of was drama, although really it wasn't that bad, compared to many things I've seen -- no names named, or anything) and that if I were serious about disappearing, I should just do it, and not talk about it. (I don't have any skirts appropriate for flouncing, anyway.) I wrote an email to the person in question, but decided that was really kind of the same thing and deleted it unsent, as I am certainly not entitled to any explanation.

I was thinking about this tonight and while it does still make me sad, I hope I am realizing that my above conclusion ain't necessarily so. The timing is rather odd, and I do wish I knew why, but there is no necessary connection between one person doing this and all people -- indeed, anyone else at all -- doing this. Unthinkable as it may be to me, as I endlessly worry the bone of my inadequacy, there may in fact be entirely no connection whatsoever except inasmuch as I maybe even did this to myself (i.e. I was worried this would happen, and so nudged it to happen at precisely the time that would make the most impact).

I don't know. How do you not think thoughts that seem self-evidently true?

Comments

[draerendi.livejournal.com]

Are you writing for other people or yourself?

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

About 80/20. You may have missed past posts where I discussed this. People always ask ("this is your journal, why not write whatever you want?"). I know it's "wrong" not to be writing solely for myself, but it's just not the case.

[lothie.livejournal.com]

Why don't you ask the person? Or did you and I missed that?

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

"I wrote an email to the person in question, but decided that was really kind of the same [drama-engendering] thing and deleted it unsent, as I am certainly not entitled to any explanation."

[lothie.livejournal.com]

Hm, just speaking for myself, I would have sent a very gentle email saying "You don't have to tell me, and believe me I'm not trying to make trouble, but I'm just curious as to why you dropped me and if it can be rectified" or some such. Because hey, knowing is good.

I hope, anyway, you are okay.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

If you're still concerned about it, I'd suggest writing an e-mail and making it sound off-handed. You know "Hey, I just noticed you unfriended me on LJ, and I was just wondering why."

Draerendi brings up an interesting point.

I think you're correct, though, when you say you may not have had anything to do with it personally. You never know.

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

As I mentioned in the post, I purposely didn't send an email. Xe has no obligation to keep me friended and I have no right to ask for an explanation.

"Draerendi brings up an interesting point." [about who I am writing for]

Which I have responded to in the past by saying I am writing mostly for other people, and I know that I am doing so.

[tyrsalvia.livejournal.com]

I've actually sent an email to that effect in the past, and it's worked out well. Someone unfriended me once because, while she had always been friendly to me and thought I was really cool, I had never been all that friendly in return. In reality, it wasn't that I didn't like her, only that I didn't know what to say to her posts though I read them, and the times she'd met me in person had just happened to be when I was in the middle of having panic attacks (more than once, but still - not exactly at my best). She had unfriended me to save herself the heartache of being friendly to someone she thought didn't like her, but by sending her an email asking if everything was ok, I got a chance to clarify.

It's ok if you don't want to send an email, but it might give you peace of mind.

[twopiearr.livejournal.com]

I have no right to ask for an explanation.

is there some rule that says you can't? unless there is, I'd submit that you have every right to ASK for an explaination, just no right to EXPECT one - xe has just as much right to refuse to give you one as you have to ask.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

Which I have responded to in the past by saying I am writing mostly for other people, and I know that I am doing so.

I can see how your concern would go that way then. You think you're writing something for a particular person and they end up "dumping" you. Not very encouraging, that's for sure.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

More often than not, when I spontaneously unfriend people, it's part of a mass action- my time available for reading has suddenly plummeted, so lots of people- people I like- have to go, rather than being reflective of my feelings toward any one individual.

[shalora.livejournal.com]

How do you not think thoughts that seem self-evidently true?

This is something I've been working on for years, lovey. For me, the online world is usually all right, but it's real life; I'm too bloody much and I wear people out. And while many people have tried to assure me that this is not true, and that many of the occurances I point to as evidence of this tendency of mine may simply be cooincidence, I just can't quite buy it. Though whether it's truly "can't" or "am afraid to", I really couldn't say.

My therapist has just started using cognitive-behavioral therapy with me. One thing which is central, as I understand it, (and which I believe we will be discussing tomorrow) is learning to challenge these automatic negative thoughts. If you'd like, I'll keep you posted on how it's supposed to work, and if it seems to be working for me... :)

[helen99.livejournal.com]

That happened to me on my yldann journal. I had just posted what I thought were some deeper concepts, and suddenly someone unfriended me. It felt very odd to post something close to the inner workings of the mind, and have someone leave. Turned out it wasn't personal though.

Often it turns out to be a general reduction of their friends list for ease of reading, or they decided to keep only their closest friends listed or some other mundane reason. One person that I cared about quite a bit, and thought was the coolest ever, removed me because I bored him. That was/is a tough one. Not much I can do about that though :p

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

Well, it is at least helpful to know that it's not just me. (Of course, logically, it couldn't have been, but that's not the same actually having an "oh, you too?" example.)

[heartssdesire.livejournal.com]

I have a hard time understanding your inclination to hide yourself in order to avoid driving your friends away. Why would you want friends that could be driven away that easily, just because of things you write that are your genuine thoughts or interests? That doesn't sound like friendship to me. I have people in my life that I don't share much with or don't want to be fully myself in front of for one reason or another, but I do not think of them as friends. They are acquaintances. Friendship depends on authenticity. Seems to me like if you think some of your friends would be bored or offended by the "real" you, the best thing in the world you could do would be to go be yourself and winnow out the chaff from the wheat, you know?

I dunno, maybe this is a way of thinking that isn't useful to you, so I hope you won't take it as annoying unwanted advice.

[blueeyesblazing.livejournal.com]

I certainly don't know the person involved, but perhaps this person was having one of those days and de- friended to avoid conflict or something? I know I've completely dropped out of some political discussion w/o notices because I was so angry (either about the subject matter or something totally unrelated), all I'd do was flame.

Bu I don't know. Just tossing out an idea. *hugs* Hope all is worked out.

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

No, there was no conflict going on. In fact there hadn't been any interaction in a couple of days (but not, like, a long thing, "I guess tass isn't interested in me anymore", like some people do). That's partly what was so confusing. *shrug*

[tyrsalvia.livejournal.com]

I love that last paragraph. It is so true. You may have been unfriended because the person was paring down on their internet friends in general, or because you'd somehow randomly offended them, or because they were in a bad mood, or because lj screwed up, or any one of a number of things. I really don't think you've said anything offensive or painfully boring (really ever), so I'm assuming there was some weird fluke with this person. I know it's not easy for you, but I hope you don't take this too hard. Don't disappear. I've missed you enough.

Btw, I'm going to try having more small gatherings, and I hope you can make it. I know group interaction works best for you, and I'd like to see you more often.

[zaecus.livejournal.com]

"How do you not think thoughts that seem self-evidently true?"

I'll let you know if I ever figure it out, but I'm not sure we should stop thinking those things.

I... would just really like to be able to catch myself faster when i'm doing it so that I'm less likely to act on them.