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(I am saying the next two paragraphs not to try to create drama but to give context for my thought process and where I am going with this.)
Last weekend, someone unfriended me. Normally I don't take much notice of this sort of thing, but in this case I found out because I had bookmarked a post to reply to, and when I went back to do so, I got an error that I wasn't allowed to read the post. Still it might have been no more than "huh, odd; oh well" except for who it was, which was someone whom I'd known online for years, I'd always thought thought of me kindly, we traded comments now and again, seemed to share some interests (including some rather "niche" ones), and in fact I thought that some of my recent stuff was right up xir alley, so it was not only upsetting but very confusing.
Xe is not someone whom I think of as the type to pull things like "well, if so and so says this other person is a doodyhead, that's good enough for me!"; I couldn't see any way that it could have been something gradually building over time; I couldn't think of anything I'd said that could have been personally offensive, especially not to this "last-straw" degree; and for it to be coincidence seemed to strain plausibility given the past situation. Thus, I came to the (apparently inevitable) conclusion that it must have been what I had been lately posting: either xe was bored by it and decided to stop reading right then, or xe decided that anyone who would post that stuff was not someone xe wanted reading xir friends-locked posts, or both. In other words, it was exactly what I was afraid of happening: I posted what I thought was good and interesting, and it not only wasn't, but it drove one of my friends away.
My immediate reaction was to say "Fuck it. Lesson demonstrated again, then. I shouldn't say anything, because no matter if anyone else replies positively, if there is even a bit of a chance that this kind of thing can happen, I don't want to permit that. I don't want to take that chance. I would rather say nothing and have people passively drift away rather than drive them away." (It's true that I am being a bit oversensitive about this particular possibility, but it has genuinely happened in the past, so it's not completely unfounded.) Fortunately, aside from making past entries private again out of a sense of shame, this was mainly kept off the web this time. I made a depressed post, but deleted it minutes thereafter, deciding that was worse (as it kind of was drama, although really it wasn't that bad, compared to many things I've seen -- no names named, or anything) and that if I were serious about disappearing, I should just do it, and not talk about it. (I don't have any skirts appropriate for flouncing, anyway.) I wrote an email to the person in question, but decided that was really kind of the same thing and deleted it unsent, as I am certainly not entitled to any explanation.
I was thinking about this tonight and while it does still make me sad, I hope I am realizing that my above conclusion ain't necessarily so. The timing is rather odd, and I do wish I knew why, but there is no necessary connection between one person doing this and all people -- indeed, anyone else at all -- doing this. Unthinkable as it may be to me, as I endlessly worry the bone of my inadequacy, there may in fact be entirely no connection whatsoever except inasmuch as I maybe even did this to myself (i.e. I was worried this would happen, and so nudged it to happen at precisely the time that would make the most impact).
I don't know. How do you not think thoughts that seem self-evidently true?
Last weekend, someone unfriended me. Normally I don't take much notice of this sort of thing, but in this case I found out because I had bookmarked a post to reply to, and when I went back to do so, I got an error that I wasn't allowed to read the post. Still it might have been no more than "huh, odd; oh well" except for who it was, which was someone whom I'd known online for years, I'd always thought thought of me kindly, we traded comments now and again, seemed to share some interests (including some rather "niche" ones), and in fact I thought that some of my recent stuff was right up xir alley, so it was not only upsetting but very confusing.
Xe is not someone whom I think of as the type to pull things like "well, if so and so says this other person is a doodyhead, that's good enough for me!"; I couldn't see any way that it could have been something gradually building over time; I couldn't think of anything I'd said that could have been personally offensive, especially not to this "last-straw" degree; and for it to be coincidence seemed to strain plausibility given the past situation. Thus, I came to the (apparently inevitable) conclusion that it must have been what I had been lately posting: either xe was bored by it and decided to stop reading right then, or xe decided that anyone who would post that stuff was not someone xe wanted reading xir friends-locked posts, or both. In other words, it was exactly what I was afraid of happening: I posted what I thought was good and interesting, and it not only wasn't, but it drove one of my friends away.
My immediate reaction was to say "Fuck it. Lesson demonstrated again, then. I shouldn't say anything, because no matter if anyone else replies positively, if there is even a bit of a chance that this kind of thing can happen, I don't want to permit that. I don't want to take that chance. I would rather say nothing and have people passively drift away rather than drive them away." (It's true that I am being a bit oversensitive about this particular possibility, but it has genuinely happened in the past, so it's not completely unfounded.) Fortunately, aside from making past entries private again out of a sense of shame, this was mainly kept off the web this time. I made a depressed post, but deleted it minutes thereafter, deciding that was worse (as it kind of was drama, although really it wasn't that bad, compared to many things I've seen -- no names named, or anything) and that if I were serious about disappearing, I should just do it, and not talk about it. (I don't have any skirts appropriate for flouncing, anyway.) I wrote an email to the person in question, but decided that was really kind of the same thing and deleted it unsent, as I am certainly not entitled to any explanation.
I was thinking about this tonight and while it does still make me sad, I hope I am realizing that my above conclusion ain't necessarily so. The timing is rather odd, and I do wish I knew why, but there is no necessary connection between one person doing this and all people -- indeed, anyone else at all -- doing this. Unthinkable as it may be to me, as I endlessly worry the bone of my inadequacy, there may in fact be entirely no connection whatsoever except inasmuch as I maybe even did this to myself (i.e. I was worried this would happen, and so nudged it to happen at precisely the time that would make the most impact).
I don't know. How do you not think thoughts that seem self-evidently true?
no subject
Date: May. 1st, 2007 01:15 am (UTC)From:I can see how your concern would go that way then. You think you're writing something for a particular person and they end up "dumping" you. Not very encouraging, that's for sure.