(no subject)

[arethinn]

So now that the phrase has been determined to probably be "Where's the percentage in...", the actual post that I wanted to use it in:

Where's the percentage in being a really rude, abrasive som'bitch? I know I can get pretty tart myself when I am annoyed with someone for not knowing something (regardless of whether it was reasonable to expect them to know it), which is also bad. But when I have negative opinions about something, I try not to frame them in extremely strong language, nor to be completely dismissive of $WHATEVER. In general I hope I successfully avoid coming across as an all-purpose obnoxious jerk, although I probably do so on accident sometimes.

But why would someone want to do so on purpose, or if not precisely "on purpose", to happily cite "that's just the way I am" as a supposed excuse for generally mean behavior? (For the otherkin out there, "I can't help doing $CRAPPY_ACTION because I am a $SPECIES" is a variant.) I know have no right to dictate others' personal communication styles in situations I don't control, but I really don't get why this makes it "okay" for them to be harsh all the time. It just seems like an incredible waste of energy to be constantly aggressive and I have very little will or desire to engage with it. (Usually I drop out of such arguments after a few exchanges, which sometimes provides fodder for sarcastic "awww, too-sensitive couldn't take the heat! you've just realized that you're WRONG, you just don't want to admit it" sorts of comments, but there's nothing I can do about that; why keep banging my head against a wall, really.)

To me it generally reads as a lack of any basic respect for the thing or person under discussion and for others in the conversation. Why should being addressed in a noncombative manner be a privilege that has to be earned by being "good enough" or "impressive enough"?

In short, I know I am basically a weak, bland personality and this world would be pretty dull if everyone were in fact as, ah, let's say "temperate" as I am, but goddamnit, why do some people have to be so fucking nasty?

Comments

[desree42.livejournal.com]

Because, just like everywhere else in life, some people are assholes. Because sometimes assholeyness is a catalyst for change. Because some people don't care if they're viewed as fucking nasty. And, among the numberous other reasons, because some people's version of 'fucking nasty' is different from others'.

The last one is, for me, the one that comes up the most. Calling someone 'dear' that's fucking nasty to me, others think it can be useful or validated. Being agressive - to some it's nasty to other's it's just another form of communication. It's hard to guage, and it's also hard, sometimes, to call someone on what you view as nasty while it is accepted as 'ok' in an environment.

[desree42.livejournal.com]

Oh and I wouldn't call your personality bland or weak at all. Just different. Different personalities are suited to different things, different jobs, positions, life calling and all of that sort of thjing. These differences, and I feel very cheesy for saying so, are part of what makes it worthwhile to talk to someone in a contentious discussion and, at times, make it worthwhile to get out of bed in the morning.

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

Hrm, well... see comment above about seeing only a part of someone on the internet. I must appear to be more interesting on livejournal than I am in real life ;) Really... I get really worked up about very few things, and my idea situation would be for everyone to always be friends (to quote a Fraggle Rock episode, about Wembley), or at least to never speak any angry words to one another. So most of the time I am meek and don't say things because I don't want to start an argument, or just stop rather than standing up for myself when it seems I am getting into one, because i would rather avoid the conflict than be "right".

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

"Dear" irritates the crap out of me. When it comes up in internet conversations between people who don't know each other it seems to almost always mean "your poor little STUPID WRONG thing! Wow am I so much better than you!" which goes back to the whole lack of any basic respect thing. I sometimes use it in a teasing or chiding manner, but only with people who are actually "dear" to me in some way, and where I could also use it in its normal affectionate context.

I guess that leads into your point about what is ok in various environments - friends with a history have a lot more freedom to be assholes with one another because there is an underlying bond to prop it up, or soften it. You know because of past experience that this person is shredding your ideas and is not generally a jerk. From the small window you get of someone on the internet you can't really assume the same. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but of the few things that actually piss me off (I don't have a lot of strong opinions), people being mean apparently for the hell of it is right up there, so when it's all I ever see of someone, I get to the end of my rope now and then.

[gothikfaerie.livejournal.com]

yeah, i've run into that 'explanation' before too. Using the fact of being 'kin as an excuse for bullying behaviour is still just that - an excuse. And of course they don't want you walking away from them, since they're getting off on their (perceived) Control of the situation, and their emotional investment in Winning. To say 'that's just how i am' is, in my book, exactly the same as admitting to being a large flaming arsehole. And they then get treated accordingly, as in, buh-bye!

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

Just to clarify - "Using the fact of being 'kin as an excuse for bullying behaviour" isn't what's going on in the thing that sparked this post. I was just giving that as a possible reference point for the 'kin in the audience in case the rest of my writing was too opaque.

they don't want you walking away from them, since they're getting off on their (perceived) Control of the situation, and their emotional investment in Winning.

Hm, I dunno... if I walk away they win too, just not on facts, but by forcing me to forfeit. I try not to be bothered by this. In fact I am not very bothered by "losing", just by the thought that they may feel they have won, and I often feel like I would like to take people like this down a peg. Of course that's a futile wish since I am hardly mean enough to actually do so. I try to completely ignore communication I perceive as rude or mean, but sometimes something snaps and I try to defend [whatever].

[danodea.livejournal.com]

I don't know why.
I don't like it, but I have to admit that I've come to expect it from some individuals. Often highly intelligent to brilliant individuals who are overly arrogant. Some of them have social graces and choose not to use them. Some of them are socially clueless. I can at least understand that latter - if you don't know any better, you don't. The former make me wonder.

[glitterychaos.livejournal.com]

I know someone who blames their "species" for their attempt to pounce/yiff everything that moves. Personally, my "species" might make me be many things, but I still am a sentient being, I choose how I interact with the world. Being a (mostly) rational adult in control of my own self, I can limit those behaviours that are not useful or productive. For example, I may be chaotic, but I still act very sweet and smiling and friendly at work. To do otherwise, then try to excuse that behaviour as "its just what my species makes me be" is avoiding responsibility. The person who I know who blames his hyper sex drive on his species is a good example of someone who refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour, and is a prime example of the stupidity I can`t stand in people.

I`ve never had someone tell me "I`m just a bitch because that`s my species" but its similar enough to "I want to fuckyou because that`s what my species does" for me to laugh myself silly over how utterly idiotic that sounds to me. Not to mention, someone telling me that instantly looses whatever degree of respect I may have had for them.

There are exceptions. Always. But in general, I expect people (adults) to take responsibility for their own actions, emotions, and behaviours. Just my thoughts. My chaotic soul may compell me to want to slaughter certain people who cross my path smelling like prey, but I don`t yield to such temptations, and I expect the same of other adults around me. :)

[glitterychaos.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I should add that holding others to my own standards of decency and control is fairly realistic, and fair, given that I`m so NOT anything but HIGHLY emotional and barely under my own control !!! I am much more likely to blaming my lack of maturity and youth for my failed attempts at self-control, than I am my species. At the least, this way, there is room for improvement. Saying "that`s just my species" implies that such behaviour can *not* be changed, and that`s just self-defeating.

[erelin.livejournal.com]

waitwaitwait... Why can't you dictate others' personal communication style????

I do it all the time!

"Sorry, you are being rude and I don't have to deal with that."
"When you are done using loaded language, we can discuss this again."
"Post. Hoc. Ergo. Propter. Hoc. Look it up."
"Look, I am not going to debate with you over established fact. I will just ask that you read something. Anything, really. And we can discuss that."

Hell, I am in the middle of punishing someone right now for being rude in a conversation we were having!